Going to sleep

I wake up as the alarm goes off and immediately feel sick in the stomach, today is the day. In just a few hours. Maybe if I don't acknowledge it, morning won't come. I close my eyes and pull the blanket over me to make the bright room dark, but I don't fall asleep. I lay awake, staring at the darkness underneath the blanket while it feels like I have growing black hole inside me.
    The second alarm goes off 40 minutes later and I turn it off, still not getting out of bed, too afraid to face the coming day. After what felt like hours, but probably only was minutes, I got up and heads towards the bathroom. On the way I spot him on his regular spot in the hall, I can't help but sit down and pet him. My adorable dog, Mozart. I feel tears stinging my eyes and I get up at once, hurrying to the bathroom while blinking the tears out of my eyes.
    Later I sit in the armchair in the living room, Mozart limps over with his toy in the mouth, wagging his tail happily. I once again feel the tears in my eyes, and I feel one falling down my cheek and I blink away the other ones. I take a deep breath and lightly grab the toy, not daring to hold it tightly, he pulls it out of my hand at once. This keeps going for a few minutes until he gets tired, drops the toy and sits down, next to the armchair, wanting me to pet him. I obey, tears now falling down my cheeks as I'm no longer able to stop them. I hear dad snivel in another room, talking to his girlfriend, AE, who's trying to comfort him despite her own pain.
    AE soon takes Mozart out on what would be his last walk, I turn on the TV to try to think about something else but the images just flash by on the screen. It was meaningless. Why should I care about some dumb TV show? Soon dad get ready to leave and I go to the hall, and put on my shoes and jacket.
    We meet AE by the car and Mozart can't get into the car, I take another deep breath to hold back the emotions, then I pick the big dog up and put him in the back of the car. He wags his tail and licks my cheek as I put him down. I can't resist giving him a kiss on his wet nose.
    On the way we pick up my sister, Anaine, the original owner of Mozart. Her face was almost emotionless and she had brought a bowl of water for her beloved dog, AE had asked her to since Mozart hadn't been able to drink before we left. Mozart drinks a little and then stares at Anaine with happy eyes as she sits down next to me in the backseat. Dad drives off, once again, and I watch Mozart behind me for awhile. After a little while he lies down in bowl of water, and both my sister and I laughs a slightly before we go quiet once again. Shortly after, I pick a book from my bag and read, to occupy my thoughts.
    After almost an hour we reach the vet and get out of the car, it's with a heavy heart that I walk up the little hill to the vet and I feel myself panic. I want to snatch the leash from my sister's hand and run, but I control myself. We enter the small clinic, and the veterinarian comes after only a few minutes. My heart beats painfully as I look at Mozart who has become slightly nervous. I can't tell if it's because he knows what's coming or because it's a different environment, I've never been with him to the vet before.
    The vet listens to his heartbeats, after hearing our explanations of how Mozart's legs was that weekend and watching him limp around between us all she smiles sadly. She leans down again and checked his reflexes by bending his paws backwards, Mozart didn't react at once like he should. She stands up again, saying that we can take him to a bigger clinic and get him x-rayed if we'd want. But I see the truth at once in her eyes as she said, even if there was something that could be done, it wouldn't be sure it would work. My sister starts crying next to me, still holding Mozart's leash, I see the tears hitting the floor as I watch Mozart sitting down between us.
    After a short talk, we settled on what we already was sure would happen today. The vet goes to get a form that Anaine fills while crying. I lean down and give the dog a hug, stroking his fur gently. He wags his tail slightly and I feel tears escaping my eyes again. The vet soon describes the process and I feel like I'm about to throw up, but I stand my ground, I had decided to go through with this when I decided to follow yesterday.
    Dad soon leaves the room, saying he can't go through with it while being in the room, I see him crying outside through the window and try to keep calm. I'd love to go after him more than anything, I don't want to see my most beloved die but I can't leave him either. I sit down on a chair, since my knees are trembling, Mozart walks over to me and puts his head on my knee, looking up at me with his adorable puppy eyes. Despite the adoring look it feels like daggers in my chest, I can't look away. I gently pet his head and touch his soft ears before he start walking nervously again.
    The vet soon gives him a shot in his neck and then leaves the room. Mozart kept walking between us for awhile but then stopped to just keep standing, the trembling of his hind legs shortly stop, since he probably didn't feel the pain anymore. After what felt like days, he sat down and looked around at us. I get up from the chair and sits down on the floor in the front of him, wanting to be close. I gently pet him, whispering that I love him, that he's the sweetest dog ever to be born. I feel like a monster, taking me here, to his death while he looks at me with tired but loving eyes.
    Shortly his forelegs collapses, since he's too tired to sit up any longer, I bite my lip to not scream. I keep petting him, AE sits down on his right side and sobs quietly, petting him as well. I tear my eyes away from Mozart for a few seconds, thinking that during the 15-16 years I've known her, I've never seen in her cry. Not even when her mother died only a few months earlier, but she obviously cried when I didn't see it.
    Mozart slowly gets more and more tired, trying to keep his eyes open, I swallow deeply, wondering when he'd close them forever, when he'd stop breathing, when his heart would stop beating. My heart aches like never before, and tears falls without interference. The vet comes yet again, this time sitting down on the left side of Mozart, shaving some fur from his foreleg, Mozart lifts his head and tries to get her away from there, I gently turn his head away, Mozart too tied to fight me, lies still with his head, looking up at me. I gently pet him with my other hand, and tells him that he's good dog. She soon injects him with a blue liquid and I bite my lip so I won't protest.
    We're left alone with him for another few minutes before she comes back, checks his heartbeats, pokes him around his eyes to see if he reacts. Then she straightens her back and says the horrible words. "He's gone."
    I start sobbing uncontrollably, still petting him gently. He's still warm. AE leans over him and sobs violently into his fur and Anaine leans down and pets him, struggling to not scream. Shortly I lean down to kiss the top of his head one last time, I leave a wet mark on his soft fur. Then I do it again, unable to control myself, afterwards I stand up, knowing that I wouldn't be able to leave otherwise. I leave the room with my sister and AE in silence, I turn my head and look at his still body with my heart heavy as a stone in my chest.
    I join dad outside with AE, dad looks at us with the bright blue eyes we both have when we cry, he asks if Mozart died peacefully and I nod in response. We stand there in silence for awhile before I head back inside to keep my sister company. She stands at the counter with tears in her eyes and a wallet in her hand. I swallow deeply, thinking that it's horrible to have to pay for something like this. I turn to the room where Mozart still lies. I walk into the room and lean down and I give him one last pet. But I immediately regret it. The unnatural stillness almost made me throw up.
    That's when it really hit me. Dead. My dog is dead. Mozart who had been full of life for eleven years. Mozart who had hated bathing. Mozart that had been in the apartment with only me for a week only two weeks earlier. Mozart who had been playing with me a few hours earlier. Mozart who had licked my face only two hours earlier. If he suddenly came back to life, would he hate us for what we did? Would he ever forgive us? He had always trusted us and now we had led him straight to his death, betraying him. I almost scream in horror, but I keep it inside.
    I turn around to leave but I see my sister behind me with pained eyes. She's holding something in her hand that she's reaching over to me. I look at it, it takes some time to register what it is. Mozart's leash. I frown. What in the damn world am I supposed to do with that? I slowly take it anyway, and as soon as it is in my hand, I hold it tightly and I start crying again. I hadn't even noticed that I stopped.
    When we reach home, I sit down in the armchair and stare at the wall with empty eyes. The leash is still in my hand, and I think, "Now what?" as I listen to dad and AE talking while crying in the kitchen. I spot some of Mozart's black fur on the floor and I feel tears stinging in my eyes but they don't escape. I keep staring at the wall. Empty. Soon I hear dad asking me how I feel from the kitchen. The tears start falling, and I hold the leash tighter. Sleeping. Cold. Gone. Never coming back.
    I soon move to my corner of the couch, since dad wants to sit in the armchair, it's his spot after all, I stare at the leash. He won't use this again.

    "As you already know, we're going to bury the ashes at the summerhouse." dad says, I mumble as a reply, Mozart was always happy there. Got to run around like he wanted to, carrying boards that he almost tripped people with. "But we don't know what to use as a tombstone. To make a real one would be a waste since the owners after us might just get rid off it." My heart sank.
    "I think a drawing would fade too quickly." AE says, probably thinking of my drawing skills. I keep quiet about the fact that there are coatings for that, since I've never been good at drawing animals.
    "I'm planning on making a bead picture of him and frame, I planned on putting it in my room, but..." I silent. Both of them looks at me, I sigh deeply. "I don't know how quickly the color will fade from it." I finish.
    They both smile faintly and agree that it's worth a try, I could always try something else later if it faded quickly.


I want this horrible day to end. Tears are completely impossible to control.